A Wondrous Universe

Death is a choice.  Sometimes it is a fight.  You either throw in the white, bloodied towel or you keep on fighting.   Then when the doctor asks you if you want the meds and you say, yes, then it is over, done.   Even in the suffering there is life experienced, a preciousness.   Saying goodbye, even after the hug, hurts.  I saw you fighting it but we subdued it.  The meds subdued it.  Why did you want death so readily?   Why did I ever even consider suicide?  It was because of you, Kate.  It was because I wanted you so but couldn't cope without you the way I wanted you. Granma, you are dead.  You are here.  More so, you are here, just in different forms.  Perhaps, a freedom.  Yes, a freedom.   I do wish you had fought.  I wish I had fought for you.   In the aftermath, I met an angel on the plane and that meeting made my moment better. 💗

I am traveling.  Traveling often involves waiting.  I wait in the Nashville Airport to return to Lawrence, Kansas after a brief visit to see family.  It was brief because it was dramatic and I could not keep myself poised.  My grandmother died; my parents didn't want to talk to me about my feelings.  I didn't want to go to my brother's house so I went to my cousins- that was where my heart took me.   It is sad.  I wanted to stay longer but sometimes with family dynamics staying the duration is better left for a different time.   I wish it were different.   I did meet a nice gal on the plane.  Perhaps, I will meet more nice gals.  

I am thinking about you all.  Friends from Tennessee, Friends from all over.  Sending you well wishes and love and joy.  I miss you.  

I owe myself good feelings, joy So do you, don't you? So how to cultivate them?

I have a cat and a dog.  They keep me.  

Sometimes life is painful to the heart.  But this pain passes, almost.  Maybe with time it will completely pass.  I don't know.  Hope tells me it will.